


Dreaded Doranda

by McKayRulez



Series: Dark & Disturbed Stargate [17]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post Episode: s02e06 Trinity, Rodney McKay Whump, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23427898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKayRulez/pseuds/McKayRulez
Summary: Some wounds never heal.
Relationships: Rodney McKay & John Sheppard, Samantha "Sam" Carter & Rodney McKay, Samantha "Sam" Carter/Rodney McKay
Series: Dark & Disturbed Stargate [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1314971
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. Deep Dread

Rodney felt his chest ache. His panicked thoughts narrowed and focused on one thing. 

'I want to die.' 

He knew it was stupid. He didn't want to die. Not really. But in this instance, it felt like his salvation. 

For the time being at least, he'd settle for 'I need to get out of here.' instead. 

His brow furrowed hard, as he tried (and failed) to not show how hurt he was. His lopsided grimace tightened in disdain, as Sheppard continued his mocking recommendations at his expense. 

Carter was paying attention to Sheppard's concerns, but beyond him, she caught sight of McKay's discomfort. Whenever she or anyone else caught his gaze his eyes darted away. He had an upset expression and his hands were clenched tensely, instead of their usual fluttery mannerisms. He was also visibly sweaty.

She frowned slightly, wondering why Rodney seemed so upset.

~~~

As soon as the meeting was over, McKay practically bolted out the room. Sam noticed that Teyla had also watched him go concerned, but his teammate wasn't worried enough to go after him. Instead, Teyla had turned to Ronon to mention something about sparring after she checked on Torren. 

Carter glanced from the exit to the remaining AR-1 confused. "Did something happen?" Sheppard gave her a confused expression and she gestured to where Rodney had gone. "To McKay?" 

"He had seemed fine earlier," Teyla answered. "He just seemed to suddenly tense up during the meeting." 

Sheppard shook his head. "He probably just wants to get to his lab." He gave Carter a half teasing, half warning look. "Be careful. He may blow something up." 

~~

McKay had rounded a corner into the first empty dark lab he could find. He quickly sat in the corner bracing himself as he gasped painfully. His breathing had become problematic, but he wasn't sure if that was just from the running or the growing feeling that was burning in his chest. 

Dread was eating him from the inside and he wasn't sure how to escape it as his mind reeled over it all. Mockingly replaying everything. His actions. His failure. Sheppard's disappointment and disapproval. 

Everything inside his mind was killing him. His greatest asset was cursing him.

He kept trying to avoid the thoughts. Tried to block everything out. He thought about anything and everything but it all kept linking back to it and he hated it, hated everything, and hated himself. 

'I want to die.' 

That stupid pointless thought mocked him again and he hated himself even more. 

~~~

Carter found him a few minutes later, and it wasn't how she expected to see him at all. 

He was sitting in the dark and huddled in a corner hyperventilating, with his hands pressed tightly over his ears, as if he was trying to block out a sound. His whole body was also trembling and sweaty. 

"McKay?" She quickly went over to him, which seemed to startle him out of whatever thoughts he had been having. "Hey, hey, it's okay." She tried to soothe as she slowly and gently reached out and placed a hand on his arm. She felt the shaking fabric of his uniform under her fingers. 

Rodney lowered his head, avoiding her eyes as he continued to struggle for breath. "Wha-what's happening?" He managed to choke out. 

Just as she was about to call for Carson, something in Carter's mind clicked and she recognized the signs and realized what was happening. "Breathe Rodney. Just breathe." She said in as calming of a tone as she could as she reached over and rubbed his back gently. "I think you're having a panic attack." She explained. 

"Oh... Oh good." He gasped. "As if I didn't have enough to worry about." 

It took a couple of minutes until he calmed enough to breathe normally but for Rodney, it had felt like hours 

"Are you okay?... Are you feeling better?" Sam asked tentatively. 

"Besides the overwhelming sense of dread whenever I have a single thought?" He scowled. "No."

"Do you know what brought this on?" 

Rodney remained silent. He looked away. He didn't want to think about it or talk about it. Even the idea of having to bring it up was causing another wave of anxiety building up in his chest. He stiffened. 

Sam must have seen something in him because she quickly placed her hand on his back again. "It's okay. You don't have to talk about it."

She thought about the meeting and what exactly had gone on by the time McKay started to act off. Sheppard had been talking about some abandoned energy lab they had discovered and how he deliberately choose not to go in because he didn't trust McKay not to be like a kid in the candy store and go off the rails as he had on... 

Oh...

Doranda. 

It had been years. 

Though she hadn't been on Atlantis at the time to witness it firsthand, it certainly was brought up enough for her to feel like she had been. She had also read McKay's meticulous reports on it. It had seemed fascinating, even if it had been a doomed project from the start.

She didn't realize McKay had such strong emotions about it, though now that she thought about it, it seemed obvious. McKay was a proud man when it came to his intelligence. To fail in such an important project must have been a blow to his ego and his confidence. 

Not to mention, the constant banter and reminders about it must not have helped his mental state about the humiliation of it any either. She may have even joined in Sheppard's teases about it from time to time, but she never meant anything malicious by it. Now she realized the consequences. 

Sam placed her free hand on top of his. "I'm sorry."

He looked down at her hand numbly then when it registered through his anxious hazy thoughts, he looked up at her confused. 

"I'll talk to him and tell him to stop." She promised, and when he opened his mouth she added, "and I won't tell him or anyone about this or you. I'll just try to remind him to be more considerate of his fellow staff and that his teasing is negatively impacting some people's mental health." 

McKay frowned. "Thanks... That's a nice thought and all but..." She tilted her head and he sighed. "That's just how he is..." His eyes wandered in thought. "And it's fine... sometimes..." He glanced back to Sam with a weak smile, then frowned once more. "But other times he goes too far, like the times he threatens me with a lemon, or when he stole my gift basket to you."

"Still though. As the leader of this expedition, I should have at least brought up his behavior to him about it a long time ago." 

Honestly, it shouldn't have taken seeing a member of her main staff have a panic attack to finally acknowledge it and that made her feel somewhat guilty, but on the other hand, she understood what McKay meant that it was just Sheppard's personality, just as much as she couldn't change McKay's, even though admittedly Rodney had gotten somewhat better since joining Atlantis at least, or maybe she was just used to it by now. 

Sam paused. "Wait. That fruit basket was from you?" 

Rodney nodded and released the tension from his shoulders, as he realized that he felt better now that his mind was focused on different things.

"Huh..." Sam had a strange expression. 

"What?" 

"I would have thought you'd have stayed away from all alien fruit."

"Only the citrus ones.

"Ah." She nodded. 

"I only interact with those with a MALP on a very long stick." 

She quirked an eyebrow at him and Rodney smiled at her. She smiled back, happy to see him doing better. 

She realized her hand was still on his and she awkwardly removed it. He seemed momentarily disappointed, but this was soon forgotten once she stood. "So, are you ready for some lunch?" 

His eyes lit up right on cue. "Starving." He got up and joined her as they left the dark lab and into the bright corridor outside.

~~~ 

After they got their trays, McKay turned around to see Sheppard playing with a lemon, tossing it in the air and catching it. Sam bumped his arm, and Rodney's eyes tore away from John and followed Carter to another table instead, to John's dismay. 

John watched the pair eating, bantering, discussing lab projects and even at some point laughing together. His gaze narrowed and he tilted his head in a gesture to his teammates. "What's up with them?"

"Don't know. Don't care." Ronon replied simply. 

But John did care. 

He frowned, wondering why McKay seemed so happy.


	2. The Escape of Emotions is Not That Easy

He frowned when he was expected, and smiled when it seemed appropriate. A part of him did feel more at ease than he was earlier, but he still felt a faint grip tugging him down. A lingering sadness and humiliation he couldn't shake from the back of his mind, as he forced his next half lipped smile at lunch. 

This continued on the rest of the day, and as he awoke the next morning, he still felt dull pressure weighing down his chest. It made breathing only slightly harder, but it was manageable. 

He wasn't sure why the feeling wasn't going away. Logically, he knew his mistake was in the past and there was nothing he could do about it. Besides, it wasn't like it was at the forefront of anyone's minds but his own. So why did he feel so much anxiety and shame about it? 

Sure, the discovery of the energy lab and Sheppard's comments stirred up old memories, but what more could it do? It was a blip of related neurons, nothing more. However, his brain's emotional side didn't see it that way and he didn't know how to rectify it. 

Maybe he should have expected his issue wouldn't just magically resolve itself with a few kind words from Carter like they do in TV shows. Besides, it wasn't like any of his issues in his life where ever that easy.

He laid in bed and sighed as he stared at the ceiling above. His mind ruminating on his unwanted thoughts. 

Eventually, he heard the chirp of his comms and he slowly sat up and reached for it. It was Zelenka, wondering where he was since last night it was decided that the science department was supposed to pour over the research Loren's team had collected about the energy lab and make a decision about what to do about it. 

McKay winced. 

Loren's team had been scheduled for noon and they were back already? How long had he stayed dazed and lost in his thoughts?

The pain in his chest intensified, and he forced a deep breath through it. 

"McKay?" He could hear Zelenka's annoyed impatience on the other end. 

Rodney opened his numb lips and he took a few painful seconds to answer. "Be right there..." 

He clicked it off and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He huddled over himself and took a shaky breath. 

He could do it. He mentally berated himself. He just... Had to oversee a large group of scientists, many of whom had seen him fail and lost faith in him the first time... And make a decision, about something similar to his trauma... 

No big deal, right?

His whole body shivered. 

He scowled and pushed himself up. 

'It's just a couple of hours... If I'm lucky.' He told himself through his chest pain. Though he knew it was probably actually going to be an all-day, if not all week thing, depended on Loren's team's findings. 

'I just have to fake a smile for a little while.'

His thoughts continued as he put on a new pair of clothes. 'I just have to listen and make a logical rational sane decision about something I despise.' 

He felt every step to his door and hesitated. 'I'll be fine.' He nervously insisted even though he doubted every word. 

He took a deep pained breath, a flash of distress in his eyes before the forced his trademark lopsided smirk and left his room.


End file.
